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Monday, December 20th, 2004
11:51 pm - It's been a long time
So, I realize that it's been a long time since I've made a post...what can I say? I haven't had the urge to make one..or I'll start to write something and never get around to finishing.

I'm halfway through my last year of college...I'll be graduating in the Spring. On one hand, I'm excited..I'll have a college degree...On the other hand, I'm really scared...slowly moving into the realm of being an "adult"...having to go out and get a real job. Granted I'm planning on going to Grad school, but it's still coming. I'm looking forward to grad school...just to the change in general...I want to get out of Tallahassee. It is the people I surround myself with that would make me want to stay, but most of them..in time..will be gone too.

Oh well, right now, work is about the only thing on my plate until Thursday. Then I get to down and see my mom...and maybe a few of my friends from back home. I want to see Dan while I'm down there. I feel bad...he calls asking when I'm coming down to visit..and every time I tell "i can't"...but it's different this time. I kinda wish i was going to my dad's house because I want to see my dad...I just don't want to be around the rest of it...the seperation...blah.

Oh well..there's more going on in the brain right now,but I don't feel like forming it into thought at the moment...

Until later
Mike


current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
8:16 pm - The Moot...
Bring the drums, the food, and the drink.
Come sing the tales of our great heros and the great deeds that have acomplished.
Let us mourn those that have fallen in the great war for which we all fight, and walk them to the halls of our ancestors.
Know that while we celebrate now, the war is not yet finished.

Mike

Gotta love those moments where you're randomly inspired.


current mood: creative

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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
3:15 am - Thoughts about the state of life in general
So, yeah, I realize it's been a long while since I've made a post in my Livejournal and it just so happens that tonight I feel inspired enough to write or at least make an attempt at it.

I enjoyed the bried vacation away from Tallahasse. I finally had a chance to see my mom's new house. Not to mention it was fun to drive around Sarasota with Dan and talk about old times. It seems to be a common thing between us...wishing we were back in eighth grade when we were in high school and, now, wishing we were back in high school. He keeps asking me when I'm going to move back to Sarasota, but I don't have an answer. I wished I could have spent some more time at home, and maybe gotten to see other friends I haven't heard from in a while. The time at Boppa's was relaxing. I was able to get reacquainted with my old friend, TV. It was, also, nice to eat home-cooked meals. I was happy to see Ruth, I really missed her and, even now, I look forward to her return. Strangely, meeting her mom wasn't half as bad as I was expecting, which was good.

Now that I'm back in Tally, I haven't done a whole lot. I haven't been looking all that hard for a job, but I have come across a few possible places. The only problem being that they won't be hiring until August...just need to hold out until then. This past week's Game was a bit over stressful, or maybe I'm just starting to feel the effects of burnout. Yes, I've had thoughts of taking a vacation from STing. Though, like Frodo, I'm bound to the Game. For now, I think I'm going to finish through with my first year as ST and move on from there.

I'm hoping to work on my music career...I suppose that's the best way to put it. My bass lessons have been helping, even though there are points when I think Hal is speaking a whole new language. Music Theory boggles my mind sometimes. I could almost accomplish my dream to be in a band on my own..I have almost all the equipment I need thanks to a birthday present from my aunt. I can make cheap recordings in the living room of my apartment. ^.^

Dances


current mood: tired

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Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
4:31 am - First Entry of my Summer
"Making sure I'm real?" That's a question I haven't heard in a while. Of course, I answered with the first semi-witty thing that came to mind. "And if I am?" Which in some cases, I guess I was. I percieve most of the world around me by touch. Yeah, it was a Tuesday which meant there was going to be a narrator meeting but at the moment...I could care less. It is just a game, and some things are more important. "Are you worried? You're shaking." I'm not really sure if I was worried, there weren't subjects I could put my mind on directly. "The seconds when I'm shaking, leave me shuddering for days..." Yeah, maybe the situation doesn't quite fit the context of the song. However, one line can sum up my thoughts on the subject. One moment, maybe lasting a few mintues, has stuck in my mind for the past day..almost two. I don't know if it's a good thing to do..to dwell on these sort of things. I'm probably not making any sense...it seems to be a recurring theme when I try to write at strange hours of the early morning...that, or maybe my thoughts are so jumbled that they only make sense to me...So, I guess I should state: Reader Beware. So many other things going on in life. I have to try and not get overwhelmed by it. Career Counseling is going well...I think. As far as my normal counseling is going, it's helping. I'm wondering what I'm going to do because my counselor says that I can't officially make appointments with him because I'm not enrolled in classes for the summer. So yeah...

Dances


current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
2:19 am - A Good Day
Where to start? I'm not sure. The day itself started out a little slow, my archaeology test sucked...royally. The rest of my classes went on without much problems. I got an A on my Shipwrecks paper, not to mention there were barely any marks on the paper. Something to be proud of. For the first time, I spoke up in my History of India Class and actually answered and asked a question. It felt good to feel like I actually knew something about the subject, which I guess I do. Kudos. After school I came home, and did something that I've been putting out for a while...I cleaned my room. Let me pause a moment for those reading to recover from their shock and amazement............ok. The floor recieved a much needed vaccuming. Next task, clean the bathroom...and from there the world is mine. I'll probably start getting soppy (if that's not a word it is now) in the next few sentences, so I'm not going to force anyone else to continue reading....

Anyways...hold on while I run to the fridge for a soda....ok, I'm back. I had probably my second (I think it's second, but I'm not really keeping count) date (I'm not sure if it was, but it seemed like one) with Ruth tonight. She looked amazing, not really sure of how to put it anyother way. I wasn't expecting her to have dressed up (No, I'm not complaining), makes me wished I had dressed a little better. So, we drove around trying to find to decide on place to eat (Sometimes, I wish I was a bit more decisive) and then find a place that had didn't have a full parking lot. In the end, we settled at the Broadway Pizza/ Ristorante (They're trying to be cool by not being just a restraunt). The food was pretty good, and I have to give kudos to any place that has Cherry Coke. Dinner and talking...good fun. As we were getting ready to leave, we met up with some friends from game who were just sitting down. So, we sat and talked with them for at least an hour or two. Tentative plans for karaoke next friday have been made....I'm excited. I will wow her with my l33t singing skills...true....After leaving the mall, we head back to my apartment and I brought her up to show her my recently cleaned room. Yes, she need a moment for shock and amazement. (this might sound soppy, so again read on with caution) There were moments when I would look her in the eyes, and just sort of get that awkward smile on my face as my heart tells me to do something emotional "Don't stand there like an idiot...kiss her..do something." that caused a direct conflict with my brain which replied "Such actions would not be prudent at this juncture.." So, I just wrapped my arms around and relished in the joy of holding someone. The joy of feeling close to someone. A joy that lasted even after I had to let go to let her leave. Then, it was on to a seemingly pointless session of Changeling. And, that's been my day. A day I will keep in fond memories. With many a good moment.

Dances


current mood: pleased

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
1:21 am
I haven't made a post in some time, so I figure it's a good time for an update. First off, this year's Grand Moot was a huge success. Attendance must have numbered thiry or more. All the plot that was planned went off well, and there was lots of good role-playing. Everyone I've talked to was happy with the way it turned out. So there's something to be proud of. What else to talk about? School is going. Still unsure about my major...big surprise there. This week is going to be rough...Papers due today and yesterday, and tests on Friday and Monday. I will be studying like a fiend. i was asked to be part of an ongoing production of the Rocky Horror Picture show, and I'm going to get paid for it...I'm all for that. On top of that, I may have found a band to play with...well, I need to call them so I can go jam with them. Maybe i'll get a break this time. Relationship? Continuing to grow, something feels different, not in bad way but I can't quite put my finger on it. It might be a difference in the she acts towards to me, but I'm not sure if it's actually different or I'm just percieving it differently. That sounds kinda weird....oh well.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
1:33 am
I want to tell if I am or am not myself
It’s hard to know how far or if at all could go
Waiting far too long for something I forgot was wrong
I don’t know all the answers I think that I’ll find
Or have it within the time but it’s all that I’ll have in mind
Until I fall away
That won’t keep us waiting long
Until I fall away
I don’t know what to do anymore
Until I fall away...
My fear pretend that I’ll never be in love again
It’s real to me but not like these fools and not like this scene
I won’t find or have it within the time
If it’s all rusted and fade in the spot where we fell
Where I thought I’d left behind
It’s loose now but we could try
Until I fall away
I won’t keep us waiting long
Until I fall away
I don’t know what to do anymore
Until I fall away...
When there’s no good answers
To those new questions
Another personal disaster
There’s nowhere to go but down...

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Monday, February 24th, 2003
12:59 am - Blah...
The hardest part about writing in this journal is getting a blasted entry stared. Sometimes I find it difficult to find the little spring-board I need to get into the writing spirit. Oh...look..there it is..I think. Anyways, here I am on a Sunday night looking over homework that I'll be up for another hour or so doing. I suppose I should start with an update of the Mike stage of life. On the outside, things are pretty good...looking for job...looking for a car...practicing guitar and bass...still trying to puzzle out this relationship. On the inside, I wonder if anything is going on. There are times when I feel...slow, I guess would be the word to use. Rundown, there's another good one. My capacity to deal with the little stress I get isn't what I used to be...the two nights of game when I started to got stressed, I just felt like throwing my hands in the air and saying "Fuck it. I don't care". I've been experiencing a huge lack of motivation, I end up spending most night sitting at my computer staring at the screen. Heck, I've barely had the urge to roleplay...I get a night to play Dances and my performance is sub-par. I don't know what's happening to me...6 months ago I didn't feel like this...why is it happening now? I don't know if this is a phase or something that's going to stick with me...or what. There aren't a whole lot of people I can talk about this with...and I don't even know if that would help or not. The person I want to talk about this...I can't. Why? I don't know. It reminds of high school, I had difficulty with talking about feeling with those I was dating, but it also makes it difficult when you're the only one talking. Blah...

I'll try to put more in later, but this is for now...


current mood: numb

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Friday, January 31st, 2003
3:54 am - Words from Father Dances
Well, things are moving in a slightly direction...where it's going, I don't know. I've begun to take music lessons (finally!) for both guitar and bass. On top of that, I've started taking fencing lessons. I know have a medium for which to stab people with a foil...finally one of my life-long dreams is being fullfilled...well, not really life-long but it's still fun. It's exercise which, since I didn't do Chiefs this year, I am in need of. My mom is hopfeully coming up this weekend, which is good not just because she is bringing me my computer which has spent the past months going obsolete in her garage...but it's a chance for me to see my mom. Haven't seen her since Parent's Weekend in October. Come to think of it, I miss a lot of people from back home...a lot of people from high school that I probably will never see again. I wonder if I will this group of friends whenever life moves me from here. Will I sit at home years from now thinking I should have said this? They say Hind-sight is 20/20.

So, I'm sitting here talking to Wraith listening to some Barenaked Ladies wondering what else I could think to put into this post. My trip to counseling has been delayed by illness of the counselor I wanted to see. It was a real waste to get up at 8:00am head to campus and find out I had nothing to do until 2:30pm. So, I went home and back do bed. Time well spent. I'm still looking forward to it...a chance to let things out. What else? Relationship? Same as its been for the last few weeks. Things are slow, which are good. It gives things time to grow, time for strong roots to grow. So...yeah. This is my update. Oh..Yeah. I would like mention that I hate Maintaince for not fixing the dryer...and I hate Delta Arilines.

current mood: contemplative

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Friday, January 17th, 2003
3:58 am
I can feel it getting worse. These moments of isolation come for almost no reason and last for hours...I don't know why. There shouldn't be any reason, I live in an apartment with three other people. I want to reach out to someone...but no one is there. I've been trying to not spend so much time sitting in front of my computer because that seems to trigger them. I guess because I'm used to doing most of my comunicating through IMs and I want to reach out to talk to someone about what's going on inside my head....but there's no one there. Come to think of it, there aren't many who I can comfortably talk to about my feelings. Not letting feelings out, means I hold them which only makes things worse. I'm looking forward to counseling even more...I need help...my ability to cope with this is failing.

current mood: numb

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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
10:08 pm - Standing on the edge of another period of depression and...All I know is I don't wanna know.
If I could make it rain today
and wash away this sunny day down to the gutter
I would
just to get a change of pace
Things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better
and that's all that really matters to me
Well, Amy hit the atmosphere
Caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter
and she's never coming back I fear
Anytime it rains she just feels a lot better
and that's all that really matters to me
We've waited so long
for someone to take us back home
it just takes so long
Meanwhile all the days go drifting away
and some of us sink like a stone
waiting for mothers to come
There has to be a change I'm sure
Today was just a day fading into another
and that can't be what a life is for
And anything she said well she feels a lot better
and that's all that really matters to me
We've waited so long
for someone to take us back home
It just takes so long
Meanwhile the days go drifting away
and some of us sink like a stone
waiting for mothers to come
I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know
I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know
All I really know is I wanna know
And all I really know is I don't wanna know

current mood: depressed

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Sunday, January 12th, 2003
4:45 am - Today, the day after Yesterday.
Do you suppose I could get any better at pulling a night's worth of good Vampire plot out of my ass? I guess so. I was kinda scared going into tonight's game. I was worried about low turn-out, along with the fact that I hadn't talked to Steven about what the hell was going on as far as plot went. Once I got there, had a quick talk with Steven and things went great from there. The little bit of plot we came up with off of the tops of our heads combined with the subplots between other charactes made for a good game. Steven and I were suitably impressed with our use of the ST can o' cheez.

What else happened today? Not much. Had many guests over at the apartment, more than I'm used to having over. I was almost sucked back into the web of drama that this summer was part off. I stayed well away from that mess. Just because someone wants to lie and pretend what happened didn't happen doesn't mean that I can...I tried before the whole mess acutally started and it failed horribly. I still have to deal with everything happened. B'sides, I'm trying not to think about the past...there's light on the horizon and that's what I'm focused on. I'm trying out the whole counseling thing again...hopefully talking to a new person will yield better results.

Not much else, gonna go to sleep now...have to clean apartment in the morning or the afternoon...whenever I decided to crawl out of bed. g'night

current mood: good

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Friday, January 10th, 2003
11:07 pm
I don't how to describe into words how I feel...a warmth that flows from inside. A light the touches the dark parts of my soul... it makes me feel...good. There really isn't any other way to describe than simply...good. The feeling of not being alone...to feel a connection to someone. It's great...something I haven't felt in a while...a long while. The only sad thing was letting go...if I could simply freeze a moment in time to relive it at a whim...I think I would.

For the first time in while...I feel alive.

current mood: rejuvenated

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Thursday, January 9th, 2003
5:06 am
Strange feelings...I'm not sure how to put them into words. I feel like standing out in the rain with my arms out. Head pointed to the sky just to let the water hit my face...I don't know. "I wish I could fly from this building, from this wall and if I should try...Would you catch me, if I fall?" I almost feel bound. By what? I don't know. Perhaps it's events from the past...part of me seems to hold onto old memories. The other part says to let them go...they only bring pain. "You try to tell yourself the things you try tell yourself to make
yourself forget... to make yourself forget... I am not worried" -sigh- It's hard to look back at those memories and think "Hey, I was in that place only a year ago..." Things have changed so much...Has it been for the better? I think so. Perhaps the problem with my lack of direction...it's similar to how I felt when I first moved to college...I just need to find my niche in the grand scheme of things. I used to have my own little "Dances" spot in things...and perhaps I still have one...it's just not in the same place, and I haven't quite grown into it yet. I need to take things one day at a time, something I probably say in every other posting. Repetition is the key.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
2:38 am - Thoughts
Ready for that third day of classes. I have all my books (all for the low low price of $260.00). I think this could be a good semester. I hope it is. Hope is something I can hold onto...something I know I can't lose. The hope that things are getting better, slowly, one day at a time. I must be patient...let things grow. I will seek help for myself, and I WILL rise above this.

I had never thought
We were hanging on
But the fall looks very far
Staring at the ground
What flesh will do to you
Will do to me too
Be free and on your own
It's not that simple
It's never that simple

It feels like the first time
That we'd fallen behind
And we faltered too far down
No one could save us
It feels like the first time
And we're standing about them
And no one can touch us
The worst is over

I could say to you
A bitter word or two
There's no stopping now
Just get it out in the air
Heard it through the fog
And hurt by it all
I'd take it back today
But it's out of my hands
It feels like the first time
That we'd fallen behind
And we faltered too far down
No one could save us
It feels like the first time
And we're standing about them
And no one can touch us
The worst is over

Lost in the film again
All the signs were showing
Watching a single frame
When the wind begins
You're never anywhere
'Cause you're caught in my
weather every time

Feels like the first time
We'd fallen behind
No use is the other one to wait
But I can hold on
As sure as I'm strong
Get over the faithful yesterdays

It feels like the first time
That we'd fallen behind
And we faltered too far down
No one could save us
It feels like the first time
And we're standing about them
And no one can touch us
The worst is over

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
4:06 am
It's strange...it seems I'm unable to add anything into my journal before the hour of midnight. Maybe it's because I don't get introspective until the early morning. Either way, it's not that big a deal.

Updates? I am no longer an employee at Garnet and Gold. I didn't get fired, they just didn't need me after football season. Now, I must go on the job so I don't burn through my savings to stay alive. I'm already going to be spending more when I finally manage to get my books for classes. I'm going to focus more on my school work than I did last semester. Maybe try and make Dean's list next year.

What else is there to say about life right now? not much...the same things that I've been thinking about for the past couple of weeks are going through my brain today. I continue to deal with the mundane thigns..paying rent, going to class, buying groceries (There's something I haven't done since I lost my car). I'm still dealing with emotions, and it's strange because I don't recall feeling like this in past experiences. So what makes this different? My step-mom says to take things one day at a time, and I suppose that's all I really can do.

"Dances-on-Edge"

current mood: thoughtful

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Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
4:09 am - Another year gone...
Another year past...

This is the fourth new years where I was not at my dad's house.
This is the second new years where I was not in some other city doing something stupid with Ben.
This new years my life is in a completely different place than it was in the previous year. I'm not living in the dorms, I'm not in the marching band, and I'm not wiith Michelle. At times I miss all three of those things.
A new chapter in the book life...what will this year hold?
Depressing as it is, "Long December" seems to be the song...
"I gues the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
makes you talk a little lower...
about the things you could not show her."

Sometimes I feel like clinging to the past, which causes the pain of loss and the realization that I will never again be in this place...at this time...with this person. Bridges have been burned...there's no going back...I can only move forward. The past has become a memory...a dream or a nightmare depending on how one looks at it. A dream that comes to me when I sleep, and even sometimes when I'm awake.

It's hard...it's hard to look to the future with hopes of something being there...but there's something....there has to be. Right? A lot has been lost over this year, and a lot has been gained. What will the next year hold? I used to joke with friends, that once we found simplicity in life something would come and make things complicated. I believe that whole-heartedly. I realized that thought had no connection to what I was previously talking about, but I figured I'd write it down anyway.

Must focus on the future. There is light somewhere beyond the darkness...I just need to push through it.

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
4:12 am
Another quiet evening, standing on the edge of being tired without the nerve to take the final step....the joys of being a night owl. An update? I'm not sure about my job, but I should know whether or not I still have one by friday. If I do, great....if not, better start looking...either way I should still have enough money to support myself for while. I'm looking forward to school, a new set of classes. Love? There's a subject I've been afraid to think about getting involved in. There are emotions forming somewhere, I'm just not sure how to express them in the right sort of way...I was never really good at these sort of things. I hate when things get complicated. "But it's a good sort of complication" as my roommate would put it, and it's true, he's right. My life could become complicated in much worse ways than this, so I'm glad. It just consumes my thoughts at times...times like this. I suppose it's why I'm writing in my journal. Anyways, back on track. The Werewolf game has reached 50 players and is continuing to grow. I had just talked to someone who was the werewolf narrator for the big 100 person LARP that all the old school roleplayers talk about. Supposed to be getting together with him tomorrow to discuss things, he seems interested in playing and I'm interested in seeing what he has to say. I hope that this influx of older roleplayers will bleed over into the Vampire game..

Brain starting to slow down....maybe I should head on to sleep.

current mood: blah

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Thursday, December 26th, 2002
12:11 am
Grrr...I had this great post all typed out, went to click a link on the site...clicked the wrong link..went back...and lost it. Frustrated? A bit(slightly understated). Do I feel like retyping everything? At the moment? Not really. Is that going to stop me from rambling on? -pauses to think for moment-...Nope. -Sigh- Unfortunately, my creativity seems to have run a bit dry...thoughts are consumed by thoughts of other things and other people.

I guess I could start with a status report of life right now. At the moment, I'm talking with my Fianna roommate via IM, and listening to "White Pony" from the Deftones. For the first time in while, the weight of depression has been removed...at least for the time being. Instead, new feelings have come to the surface...feelings that hit me with almost a rush, and it brought me to a realization "hey, I don't feel numb..."...it was incredible. Now, I'm not saying life is good and great because it's not...I'm just saying that my mind has something to be focused on other than beating myself up. Will this continue when I return to Tally? I hope so. I have new things to focus on...like my Music. After receiving the 4-track recorder from my Uncle and then talking to my Dad, I once again want to make music. I might be trying to shovel too much on my plate, but I'm going to work on learning new instruments and just become a better musician all around.

current mood: thoughtful

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Wednesday, December 25th, 2002
1:19 am - Just When you thought I couldn't have any more strange thoughts...
I sit here staring out into the dark of night, surrounded by family but still feeling lonely at times. It's a common feeling..to be surrounded by people and feel lonely..to feel cold despite wearing extra layers of clothing. Perhaps there is one out there who brings some warmth to my soul, someone to shed some light into the darkness of the whole I've dug myself into it. i don't know...I'm very unsure about everything. I can't pretend to know, so I just remain quiet until I do know...and maybe I will. I was never very good at these sort of things. My friends, and even my step-mom (who seems to be the only one in my family that I feel comfortable) tell me not to worry about it...just be open with how you feel. It's not that easy, it's never been easy..but I will work on it. I just need to give things time...not very good with waiting. It almost feels like I'm back in high school...except I'm not going through marching band...the LARPing group has kinda filled that the slot that the "band" group used to hold. One difference...I'm now the one of younger members of the group, and not one of the older. New people come to fill the slots of old friends...life is cyclical like that.

Sitting here, typing this and thinking about life makes me wonder that if things are cyclical...what will happen next? I'd be curious if I could ignore the anxiety of the present. I almost feel like a farmer whose seeds have just been planted, now it's time to sit and watch how things grow. It's strange. The hard part is trying to be positive about...are things going to grow to bloom or will they wither and die? Let me run with this farming metaphor some more...after this summer things in my life were uprooted, I guess. A new crop was planted and is now growing...and, at times, I sow the seeds for new things and they will grow too. This'll probably make little sense to anyone reading this, but somewhere in this Gnawer's twisted mind it fits. Besides, it's seldom I get to go off about crazy theories even it's relevant to only me. That, and sometimes I just like to type...gives me a chance to feel accomplished. and in sense it has...when I started I was feeling kinda depressed about things, and now I feel somewhat better. Anyways back to my life being a farm idea...Leaving for college was kinda like a harvest...I had a chance to show what I had done in the four years I was in high school and then move on to plant a new crop(college).

Anyways, i think I'm going to head to bed and write about this further at a later time. My little brother will be waking me up as soon as he wakes up...it's Christmas after-all.

current mood: thoughtful

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